Unhealed

The separation of month of May and June was just like my heart being torn apart. I sobbed a lot last night until I’ve fallen to sleep. As expected, I woke up with a puffy eyes. But despite the heavy feeling, I had to get up and accompany my brother to church early morning as I promised since it’s his birthday. Thanks to sunglasses anyway 🙂

I thought I was healed.
After almost 4 years from heartbreak, I knew I forgave the person who’ve almost brought me to abysmal darkness. I knew I’ve moved on. I knew it when I sent wishful words of “I am happy for you, for your new family”. The truth is, we are both ok now and even remain as friends. I thought I learned from that first love and first heartbreak a lot. As I tried to re-read my posts here, I had so much words of learnings, of hopes and motivations. But recently, I just figured out that I was feeling the same sentiments of pain, self pity and resentment to someone I’ve recently shared my emotion with. I thought I was strong enough to accept that I was once a failure and will never fail again. I thought, I’ve already dried my tears. I thought I was numb already to pains and to whatever heartbreaks that are still coming. Only to realize that I am still not. I am frail. Only to admit that I am still pretending to be strong and my innermost demons is just masked by a smile. With a brave heart, I’ll admit that I just wanted to be loved fully as I am. My ego is hurting.

Inside church.
To be honest, I am not a church goer unless for special occasions. As I looked around, I saw different faces and different emotions. They kneel down,begged for mercy, prayed for something until I noticed, I became one of them. I wanted to continue the cry that I’ve started last night but not a single tear dropped. I wanted to shout and let the anger out that was whimpering pathetically in my heart but no voice came out. The priests homily was so long that I was not that attentive enough to listen to what he was preaching. Until one line struck my ears that as if it was intentionally stoned to me, ” YOU ARE NOT ALONE”. My eye brows raised and tried to repeat in my mind what I’ve just heard…Wait a minute, what was he saying again??? As I looked in front, leading to priests direction, I saw him pointing his arms to the Blesssed Sacrament exposed in front while saying that “Jesus is always there, ready to listen anytime. That He was betrayed many times yet He still chose to forgive and love by offering himself. That He has the power to escape the pains yet He faced it and still chose to love. Upon hearing those words, I knew inside me what was really going on. I am not yet totally healed. I am not yet totally forgiving myself. I am not yet totally freeing myself from my own inner demons. I don’t know yet how to do it. I felt sorry for all, for myself, for those who’ve wronged me and I’ve wronged. It is really difficult task to pray for someone who’ve caused you so much pain.. that they may be good, that they may be well, that they may be enlightened and that they may be happy. What about me? Are they doing the same? Praying for me the same? I’m sorry for being selfish.

I think I was just seeking for love and acceptance? Am I not? We all do. I love myself. I am human. I will still cry when I need to. I will still reach out when someone closes the door. I will still open my heart even if it feels terrifying to do so. Because I know good thing always happens in every after the bad. I will continue to smile until it becomes my hobby,I will always forgive until I’m forgiven. And I will continue to share the love even it’s difficult, until I am loved..until I am am healed.