Breaking the cycle of hurt

It is a daunting task to do breaking a cycle of hurt. You’ve got to go against yourself, against your ego and against your pride. In this world full of hatred, of emotions,of grudge, of resentment and of revenge,it is heroic thing when you decided to do the opposite.

Smile when you’re hurt, give love when rejected, forgive when oppressed and ignore when pained. I don’t know how to say it but in my personal experience, I think it would mean a more on personal battle. I was once a crushed woman, cursed, abused,cheated and insulted (verbally and emotionally). I even didn’t know myself anymore. Sometimes I asked myself why the heck those demeaning people exist in this world? Yeah, out of bitterness I can even badmouth them. Can they just disappear, get drowned in the ocean, be eaten by monsters or much better yet, be thrown to hell. After saying those words, there is this feeling of relief and victory! But hey! it hits me back!

Nobody is perfect, neither me.  We were born alone and gonna die alone. But no matter how mean the world is, we still need those people to complete the journey to call this world home. Instead of putting up with those monsters and becoming one of them, I chose to get up and redeem my own identity. I chose to be positive no matter how  cruel the world is . I chose to love despite the hurt it brings. I chose to forgive myself as I forgive my foes. I will continue to choose living not just exist but as ultimate choice.

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Hey me!

Hey me!
How are me?
Quite crazy and bubbly.
Shattered recently yet pretty

Hey me!
Go out there and be free
You are a warrior and the actor
A brave girl in that mirror.

Hey me!
Unlease that beast you created
Be an angel of love instead
You are more than you ever knew
That’s the magic
Love can ever do.

#love#inspiration#life

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Unhealed

The separation of month of May and June was just like my heart being torn apart. I sobbed a lot last night until I’ve fallen to sleep. As expected, I woke up with a puffy eyes. But despite the heavy feeling, I had to get up and accompany my brother to church early morning as I promised since it’s his birthday. Thanks to sunglasses anyway 🙂

I thought I was healed.
After almost 4 years from heartbreak, I knew I forgave the person who’ve almost brought me to abysmal darkness. I knew I’ve moved on. I knew it when I sent wishful words of “I am happy for you, for your new family”. The truth is, we are both ok now and even remain as friends. I thought I learned from that first love and first heartbreak a lot. As I tried to re-read my posts here, I had so much words of learnings, of hopes and motivations. But recently, I just figured out that I was feeling the same sentiments of pain, self pity and resentment to someone I’ve recently shared my emotion with. I thought I was strong enough to accept that I was once a failure and will never fail again. I thought, I’ve already dried my tears. I thought I was numb already to pains and to whatever heartbreaks that are still coming. Only to realize that I am still not. I am frail. Only to admit that I am still pretending to be strong and my innermost demons is just masked by a smile. With a brave heart, I’ll admit that I just wanted to be loved fully as I am. My ego is hurting.

Inside church.
To be honest, I am not a church goer unless for special occasions. As I looked around, I saw different faces and different emotions. They kneel down,begged for mercy, prayed for something until I noticed, I became one of them. I wanted to continue the cry that I’ve started last night but not a single tear dropped. I wanted to shout and let the anger out that was whimpering pathetically in my heart but no voice came out. The priests homily was so long that I was not that attentive enough to listen to what he was preaching. Until one line struck my ears that as if it was intentionally stoned to me, ” YOU ARE NOT ALONE”. My eye brows raised and tried to repeat in my mind what I’ve just heard…Wait a minute, what was he saying again??? As I looked in front, leading to priests direction, I saw him pointing his arms to the Blesssed Sacrament exposed in front while saying that “Jesus is always there, ready to listen anytime. That He was betrayed many times yet He still chose to forgive and love by offering himself. That He has the power to escape the pains yet He faced it and still chose to love. Upon hearing those words, I knew inside me what was really going on. I am not yet totally healed. I am not yet totally forgiving myself. I am not yet totally freeing myself from my own inner demons. I don’t know yet how to do it. I felt sorry for all, for myself, for those who’ve wronged me and I’ve wronged. It is really difficult task to pray for someone who’ve caused you so much pain.. that they may be good, that they may be well, that they may be enlightened and that they may be happy. What about me? Are they doing the same? Praying for me the same? I’m sorry for being selfish.

I think I was just seeking for love and acceptance? Am I not? We all do. I love myself. I am human. I will still cry when I need to. I will still reach out when someone closes the door. I will still open my heart even if it feels terrifying to do so. Because I know good thing always happens in every after the bad. I will continue to smile until it becomes my hobby,I will always forgive until I’m forgiven. And I will continue to share the love even it’s difficult, until I am loved..until I am am healed.

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A Mother’s Day Special

A happy mother’s day to all moms out there!
I would confess, as much as possible I don’t like dramas. I don’t want anybody else see me crying. Some friends call me “rocket pocket”, energetic girl, jolly, with sense of humor and even witty. I thank God for blessing me with those qualities.
But unmasked me, and you will see ocean of tears and a bleeding heart in pierce.

Upon entering office today, friends greeted me with a “happy mother’s day”. I was thankful of course hearing those greetings. I answered them with “thanks, but will you define to me the word happy?”. Did I sound that harsh?

A mother.
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I am so grateful that I still have my mama up to this moment.  She showed me how to be strong and be that image of strength to their children. From waking up in the morning, doing household chores  up to preparing our beds to sleep on at night. I saw how she managed to divide one whole scrambled egg to her 5 children. I witnessed how she surpassed all the pains she had to endure to make our family whole and intact. I saw in her eyes the sharp pain the time she saw me broke. Though I never let her see me in pain  I knew she wanted to hug me and tell me that she is there all the time.

I wish she would have more life so that I can catch up those times I was not on her side. From million miles away, I called her up this morning, greeted her, thanked her for everything she has done, for being there all the time, for taking care of my boy, letting her hear my voice in a cheerful way but to be honest  my tears was about to burst. I sipped cup of coffee so she wouldn’t notice my quivering voice instead. I missed  mama so much and wanted to hug her tight. For 4 years we’ve been apart not counting those times I missed the chance of attending her needs. Me, as her only daughter. I feel guilty.

A mother.

Yes. I am too a mother.
A single parent.
A woman.
I have stretchmarks.
I make mistakes, sometimes choose the wrong path, I cry, I laugh, I smile, but at the end of the day been so blessed to  celebrate 9 years of motherhood to a nine year old son. A memory of scenario  leaving him behind and not seeing him for couple of years is dagger that always pierce me. I may not know how to be a parent at this moment but will always find ways to make it work even I don’t know yet when, how or when. I would want to be an image of strong woman on his sight. I would make him feel I am his first love, first girlfriend, his confidant, his best friend and his forever no matter what.. It’s the LOVE that makes me push through, every single time.

Sending the world an indescribable mother’s love.
Happy-Mothers-Day-Card-17

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The Game of Life

Yesterday, I was able to beat the April Friday the 13th which is considered an unlucky day in western superstition. But I personally don’t believe on this. I finished the 10K RACE at Qatar Running Series winter edition getting First Place to Podium with a smile under the drizzling rain. My past races and awards brought me so much joy and self fulfillment. But hey, I think it would be more fulfilling if I can celebrate it with the person who got me motivated and inspired me to make it to this point. So I tried to reach him out. But unfortunately, it is really upsetting that we sometimes don’t end up getting the things we expected it to be. He turned me down. Well it’s ok.

nobody can write

It may not be the result I was expecting but sure everything has it’s purpose. Things are unpredictable, life is unpredictable, people are unpredictable and so as emotions.

This heart may be my weakness but I know this will always be my strength. I’m honestly feeling down right now.  But eventually, I believe it will just pass like a wind. In this kind of game, its about being happy with what I have and what life brings my way, about learning to accept when I was less yet always striving to be better…that’s winning.!

struggle_quotes

 

 

 

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Motivation Is What Gets You Started

Last March 2,2018 was one of the best moment of my life. Yes I had my race and finished it to podium injured free and got the 3rd place from 28Kilometer run Al Adaid Desert Challenge (https://www.aladaid.qa/). It was a run over the desert highway, across sandy patches and cross over 6 sand dunes to reach the finish line at Khor Al Adaid.28468582_1471898802923090_3033602749787270844_n

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The photo was taken while i was on my 2nd dune struggle. It was really hard to run in sand and at this point in time I started to feel my legs cramped. There was no way out but continue the journey. I kept on repeating the mantra in my mind “what is 28Kilometers compared to 100 miles that I ran a week ago!” Focus.

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When your struggle seems unbearable, how do you lessen the burden? Count your blessings, bear the pain because it will not stay forever anyway. Nobody would live your life for you but you. Nobody would take that pain for you but you. Start strong. Stay strong. Finish strong.

 

Life is more on self-race. There is this best feeling of fulfillment when you accomplished something that you once have thought would be impossible to do. The power of mind setting plays a vital role too.

 

 

 

 

When I started running, my motivation was just to loose weight and to find myself. Wait a minute, find myself? What did I mean by that?haha!

In the long run, I just realized that running had already been part of my life. Though sometimes I can’t control my heart (wink),at least I got the power over my legs. Focus on your strengths instead of weaknesses as folks say. Super true!

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1st – UK, 2nd – Kenya, 3rd – Philippines It was the very first race I ever got a cash prize. Regardless of the amount, the story and lessons behind those numbers was the best prize I’ve ever got.

 

 

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My 100-Miler Month

This is an awesome – mileage month for me!
I literally did my 50-100 miles ultra run this heart month! At, first I did my 50Kilometer run ultra last February 13,2018 during the Qatar Sports Day2018 held at Oxygen Park by Qatar Foundation organized by QRC (Qatar Running Club). That was the very first Ultra Run I made. Clueless of what was it like to go beyond 42kilometer full marathon distance, I opened the website for the said event,trusted myself that I knew I can do it and without any hesitation, I clicked the 50KM distance.!

There were options for distances from 10KM, 21KM,42KM an the 50KM. So, as to no more backing out mode, I started doing my self-training. Since I was preparing too for much longer distance on the following week, I took this opportunity to test myself whether my body can do such adventure. I was so nervous the night before the event that I found it hard to sleep. I tried to be in my bed about 9:00pm and woke up at 4am. The race started at 8:20am. It took me about 5:23:27 hours to finish my first ever 50KM. Nobody from women’s category dared to take the said distance. So by default, I was able to get the trophy! I never won such big trophy as this in my entire life.

At the startline. I don’t run to win a race nor do I run to get a place,  I just run because running makes me feel strong and free.

Set Goals: it’s a lot easier to get where you’re going when you know exactly what you want

 

 

 

Now with my 100 miler, I would like to write special article on this because that was a long journey traversing South to North of the country of Qatar for 28 hours by which most parts are deserted areas. There are numerous learning I got from it. For the meantime, here are some of the photos I had during the adventure.

Another bucket-list checked. A year ago I couldn’t even finish a 1KM straight jog.
A year after that, I can now officially call myself an ultrarunner and hundred miler runner . Thankful to #transqatarrun2018 for the challenging yet fulfilling adventure and adding milage to my shadow’s journey. It was not easy to get out there but we will never know what lies ahead until we try. Taking it slowly and steady, putting my heart and mind on it and the power of mind setting made me I’m-possible!

I just saw my name in the newspaper the following day.

All praise and Glory to God for giving me healthy mind, body and soul. I pray too that this may be radiated to those hopeless, sick and oppressed.

during night run

on my way to last refreshment point, to 160km still with smile and happy feet

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